Many have heard the saying, “Do not judge a book by it’s cover.” However, anyone who no longer thinks like an adolescent knows that in a big way, that is exactly how this world works. Some common examples are obvious such as, the skinnier, more attractive person getting a job over the more qualified chubbier person. Even if that is becoming less and less, I know I have personally seen individuals hold the door open for the pretty girls at Quik Trip, but let the door shut on the less attractive for various reasons whether that be age or weight to name a couple. Perhaps another form that is even more common is when a person is shy, so they remain very quiet, especially at first meetings. The initial reaction from those around them may be that they think this individual is prideful. The polar opposite is usually true, and in fact the shy person is trying to avoid being assessed as prideful in the first place.
So why the rant you ask? It’s simple. This is going to be the first in a series of articles where we will discuss things that are going on behind the scenes. We will endeavor to neutralize judging a book by its cover, by developing insight. Insight is the skill to look into any situation and to see that which is really going on. We will do this by employing a simple program. We will compare what people say, to how they act. Keep in mind that this will require balance.
For example, a person may say they are a hard worker. Yet every time you call them, they have been fired from their latest in a long line of jobs for being late or unproductive. Perhaps every time you speak with them they are constantly recreating. Another possibility is you have noticed in your friendship that they rarely, if ever, go out of their way for you. That they are more self absorbed rather than willing to work for you for a change. These facts must be taken in context with what the person is saying. What are the three possible questions we must ask? 1. Is this person lying to themselves when they say they’re a hard worker? 2. Is this person lying to me when they say they are a hard worker? 3. Is this the kind of person this individual wants to actually be?
These three questions may seem similar but they actually show some very extremely different personalities. The person in question 1, will be more self absorbed because they want to be the best in their own eyes. Heavy signs of insecurity are being expressed and they may view every imperfection as a personal failure rather than a challenge to learn from. In this situation this person still needs to come to terms with themselves before any help can be given. The best thing one can do here, is lead by example in showing you will be honest with your own failings and improve upon them. This can give them strength to face their laziness and grow.
The person in question 2, is manipulative and wants you to think of them as higher than others, or even yourself. These types of personalities are dangerous for one simple fact. They are always actors. They can change who they are to match the situation quickly and the last thing they will be concerned about is your feelings or life. Their main concern is what they want. Eventually they will be a drag on their spouse, family, and society. A cause for discomfort. The best way to handle this situation, (besides walking away and never speaking to them again) is to simply remain neutral. Do not confirm their lie. Simply be okay with allowing them to know you heard it. Speaking from experience, I am a recovered pathological liar. The best thing those that helped me did, was let me feel my own emptiness. A liar is truly empty on the inside because they have nothing of substance to point to for their own success. Each lie tricks them into thinking they have accomplished something. Do not be a party to this downward spiral. Trust me, they feel alone. The frustration of seeing someone unimpressed with their lies, eventually will help them change.
The person in question 3 is entirely different. If they are saying something they wish to be true and want to be honestly like what they are saying, in this case a hard worker, then you as a friend, co-worker, relative, or other can help them tremendously. You can direct them by asking simple questions to draw them out. Who do they look up to that you think is a hard worker? Are you like that? Do you fit a similar pattern? There are different energy levels, and work ethics that is true, but the question is are they learning to compare in a positive way? Not assessing their failures, but rather are they seeing where they can improve? Have they learned the simple truth that personal respect and dignity is a direct result of personal effort, and struggling? After all, each person after working hard to accomplish anything can feel better about themselves knowing they gave their best. Even if the problem turns out to be a failure, they should feel dignified to know they worked hard at it. They can still learn. That is self respect.
Insight allows you to see a situation or a person for what it is, not what it claims to be. One may wonder of what benefit is that to me? It’s simple. If you develop insight you can protect yourself from many of life’s problems that can wear a mask. Without insight, you will for a certainty bounce from one problem to the next without any rest. In summary, allow time to observe a person or situation. If you do this you will acquire enough evidence so that you can feel comfortable with whatever decision you go with. You will feel more in control of yourself, and you will be more positive about others. You will be a leader that helps others, and leave trouble makers to their own lot. Insight will protect you. As always, endeavor to handle each situation with care and a loving attitude. It will help yourself, your friends, and family the most.
The next article will discuss the subject of how to develop insight with regards to choosing a marriage mate, or long term companion.
